Waiting...waiting...waiting...

SO it's been FOREVER  a realllly long time since I've posted...I know bad me.

but as you all know life happens.

So we're waiting... obviously!

2 weeks worth of waiting, started this past Saturday and will end the day we get home from our mission trip. Waiting for what you ask? Well if you've been through the fertility thing, or ttc (trying to conceive) then you know what 2ww stands for. We will find out in two weeks whether this month was successful.

I've been trying not to think about it at all, but day by day the "what-ifs" are becoming stronger!

Quick update on where we stand with the doctors direction and such:

so basically I'm in-ovulatory according to them. I do not have a thyroid problem (THANKFULLY!!) but they haven't been able to pin-point the exact reasoning. I've been on Metformin since March 15th. Now granted I have not been taking it exactly like I'm supposed to but I have gotten A LOT better about it. It's very hard for me to remember to take medicine every single day.

I had my 4 month follow-up on July 15th to see how I'm doing with the medicine and to go over the countless issues I've emailed or called my doctors office with.

If at the end of this 2ww we do not see 2 pink lines, then on to (3) rounds of colmid it is.

I had a gut feeling the day I went to my doctors office and thought maybe I could be ovulating due to the fact that my last cycle was so far apart, maybe the timeframe of what my doctor (who hasn't done too terribly much to help us out) thought it was. So with my gut feeling I plugged the info into an ovulation calendar and sure enough it said I should be ovulating. I took an at home ovulation test and it too agreed I was having an LH surge.

WAIT maybe this is all too much for you all to hear...maybe I'm oversharing?! IDK but this is the real honest truth of what our lives look like right now.

SOOO with that info I talked to D and we decided to wing it and not listen to the doctor this month, I mean after all it hasn't helped too much the last 4 months. much less the last 20 months. The doctor wants me to call on day 40 of this cycle with 2 negatives and then she will call in progesterone and we will then start the Clomid next month. But for right now we are going to trust in God and wait until we get back from our mission trip to do anything at all.

This is where you all come in.   I  WE need you're prayers. Prayers for God's will to be done.

I'm tired, I'm sooo very tired of having my heart broken month after month. I'm tired of it seeming so simple for some people and soooo terribly hard for us. So I personally need prayers for strength and prayers to still be a good wife while I'm going through all the crazy emotions and hormones and just all that this journey contains.

D and I haven't been so worksheet, bbt, 2ww driving ourselves insane crazy every month. but this month I thought, heck why not. Again, what the doctors are telling us isn't working. So while I'm not doing the bbt thing I am giving this tracking and 2ww thing a try. Lets hope it works!!

On to other things, our mission trip is next week and while I'm there I want to hear all that God has to say to me and do all that He has planned for me. Will you be a prayer warrior for us that week?

Will you pray for lives to be touched (both among the people we are serving and our own hearts), for seeds to be planted, for travel mercies (we will be traveling at least 2 hrs every day to our jobsites.)

I will update when we get back with progress of everything mentioned here.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PRAY for and with us.

in Gods mighty graces -

Jess

What you DON'T do

This is what you DON'T do:

"Don't let this world make you bitter. Don't let the actions of other people turn you cold on the inside. Certain things happen that hurt us, people come that leave us, and most of all there are moments when you're bound to fall. Don't let those things make you unkind. It's okay to cry. It's okay to be sad. But it's never okay to do other people wrong just because you were done wrong. We're human. We break. We make mistakes. But don't let pain and sadness run your lives. Wake up in the morning and do what you think is right. There are moments in your life where you feel like giving up and you can't take it anymore. It's okay Breathe. Inhale. Exhale. I know you're weak. But the things that show your weak side are also the same ones that make you stronger in the long run. It's all about taking whatever life throws at you and learning from it. "

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Did you need that today?? I sure did.

Sometimes just the simple reminder to BREATHE is what I need. that this world will go on whether I choose to live in the moment or not. Hope this lifted you. Maybe someone in your life is going through something and you aren't quite sure how to answer their hurt....tell them that last line.

It might make the difference.

LOVE

Long time no see

Hello out there.... (echo) (silence)

okay I get it I'm entitled to the silence...it's been FAR too long since I last wrote...but then again this is for my sanity and your enjoyment right?!


well kind of both. I get so caught up in every day things that I forget to write when I really know its best for me. and it's always on that never ending list that runs through my head as I try to fall asleep at night. along with all the projects going on with the house and whatnot.


ANYWHO.... May 17th will be here all to soon. that's a day I'm going to need lots of positive thoughts and prayers that day. you see that would have been OEW's birthday. (those are the baby's initials) I'll reveal the name when I can muster up the umph to write the story of everything. I've tried and I've failed several times. it's hard to talk directly about it, I start shaking physically and lose control over my tears. its not pretty and honestly I'm just not sure how open I want to be about this just yet. not with the whole wide world able to judge my hurt.


The miscarriage in and of itself has been difficult enough to handle but on top of it all that were still struggling to conceive again. the last 6/7 months have consisted of doctors appointments, getting pricked over and over and over again, answering the same questions OVER AND OVER AND OVER again. often times in the same visit. explaining to family what's going on and not having answers to their questions. feeling like I'm not as much as a woman as other women are....by the way do you know how friggin' hard it is to go see a doctor and walk in to a waiting room full of pregnant girls/women and not break out in a huge nasty cry? do you know how difficult it is to explain every detail about the past two years of your life in doctors visits, to explain the death of your child as if it were nothing and not break down??? let me tell you: IT'S THE HARDEST THING I'VE EVER HAD TO DO.


We walked into the hospital that Sunday knowing something was wrong...we walked out with our worlds shattered and nothing to show of the life we had created and that's something we have to deal with on a daily basis. I think what hurts me the most now ( I've come to terms with the loss of the baby, I've not quite come to terms with the infertility issues were facing) is that my husband hurts daily and I can't fix that.


I'm a fixer and I feel out of control when I can't fix a situation. like my world feels off kilter. things just don't seem to flow smoothly. I'm learning to deal with this and I pray for my husband daily. and I ask for your prayers for him, for us, for our future family. 
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so all of that off my chest, none of it making sense I will leave you with this:




"Rejoice in hope, be patient during tribulation, be constant in prayer."  Romans 12:12


"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"    Jeremiah 29:11




both of these verses have helped me during all of this, I turn to them daily. I hope they touch at least one heart out there. I hope these are the words someone needed to hear. I hope that God lifts you up in His Spirit and draws you closer to Him during your struggles.


If you ever want to reach out to me, have questions, want resources either on miscarriage, PCOS, infertility, Christianity, my relationship with Christ (and not its not perfect) please feel free to email me.


jgray0815@gmail.com




for now -


xoxo

3

3...

3 people this week alone have announce their pregnancies or have had their babies....this week alone.

I'm torn, I'm happy for them but I'm sad at the same time...whats different about me? Why isn't it happening for us. I'm not trying to compare myself, I'm truly not...but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't struggling trying to understand. Understand something that I'm just not meant to have answers to right now.

Yesterday was bad....that mood I woke up in that was so hard to explain, so hard to put into words other than I was just in a mood, manifested in to tears, more than tears into total meltdown. Like snotty face, body shaking, sobbing with your whole body type of meltdown. I haven't had one of those in a long time. I needed it. It felt good. It felt okay.

I'm not normally the one who hurts, well let me rephrase that...I'm not normally the one that shows they are hurt. I tuck everything down deep inside. I hid it away I never let my light flicker let alone fade....and lately that's been getting hard to do. I guess I've tucked my feelings away for so long lately that I was busting at the seams to let it out. I'm normally the one who helps people, the one who comforts people in their time of need. But I've discovered that right now I need to be comforted. and that my friends is an odd place to find yourself. 

These feelings have been here for the last 15 months, these aren't new feelings; but allowing myself to write these things down, to get them out of my head has helped. I think that might play a part into why I had a meltdown yesterday. Allowing myself to let these feelings escape my mind, where they are comfortable is scary. I don't fear being judged this is MY journey with MY grief. not yours, not any one else's but mine. I'm allowed to feel what I want to feel. That's something I've struggled with this whole time. mostly because of the things that people say to you when they aren't quite sure what to say to you. when they don't know how to help you cope. things like:

"Oh you will have a baby I just know it."
"You have to just keep trying, it will happen"
"Well have you talked to your doctor about getting that problem fixed?"
"Well this worked for my friends, son's neighbors daughter and son-in-law."
"With time you'll look back on this and not hurt."


LET ME BE CLEAR: NONE, NOT A SINGLE ONE of these things said make me feel better. I appreciate you scrambling to find words to TRY to comfort me but you're failing. What I want to hear is:

"THIS SUCKS!!"
"I HATE YOU ARE GOING THROUGH THIS"
"HOW CAN I PRAY FOR YOU?"
"YOU AREN'T ALONE IN THIS, I'M HERE IF YOU EVER NEED A SHOLDER TO CRY ON, I WONT EVEN SAY A WORD I'll JUST LET YOU CRY."

A co-worker of mine said that very top phrase to me this morning, "this sucks" it was eye opening. She too had issues with fertility, and she knows the pain of seeing someone else announce pregnancy, or to see an infant. She said it bluntly. She said it without remorse. She said it with tears in her eyes because she knows that my heart is breaking. And most importantly she knows how frustrating it is to know that for whatever reason not matter what you say to yourself, that we would never wish this pain on our worst enemy.

People have almost made me feel guilty about having these types of feelings. Made me feel like I wasn't allowed to feel this way. But I've come to realize I AM. I'm ALLOWED to hurt. and right now in this moment understanding that feels good. understanding that I'm not the only one in this situation (the loss of baby Workman and all that it affected) helps. I've thought that maybe I was the only one still reeling from the loss. that maybe everyone else had moved on. especially when the one year mark came and no one bothered to ask if I was doing okay. I thought maybe they had forgotten or stuffed it away as not important any more. but I've come to realize I was wrong.

Today is better. Today my eyes are puffy but I'm okay with that. Today my heart feels a like its a bit renewed. Today...today is better.

                                                           LOVE.

sleep deprived mood

I woke up this morning in a mood....not one that's easy to explain. but imagine getting a good nights sleep from 9ish till 12:30ish and then being up about once an hour from then on until finally at 5:45 you pull yourself out of bed....that's the kind of night I had and it put me in a mood! I want to go back to bed sooo much but knowing that this day isn't going to work itself tells me that's not an option!

I got to thinking last night, and many of you might know about the miscarriage but you might not know the whole story so I think in the next few days if I can compose myself I'll write about it. It brings me anxiety talking about it but its something I live with day in and day out and am learning new ways of being able to cope with it.

many people say time heals all wounds...I'd like to see how they would deal with  a tragic loss. time heals no wounds. time allows for healing, time allows for the pain the be buried by the fact that life goes on with or without you and you have other things that need to be done. time allows you to function like a human again after a loss but time heals nothings. time makes coping easier. you never truly heal from a tragic incident. its scientifically proven. you are altered you are never the same. you have changed and thus will never be the same that you were before.

today my life is not the same that it was before September 11th 2012 that day it changed for the better. and today my life is CERTAINLY no where near what I though it would be after October 28th 2012 that day changed my life for the worse.

one of the few good things that has come from the loss is that D and I have grown closer. He has suffered right along with me. He has been such an amazing husband that I'm not sure what I would do without him most days he's the one that encourages me to keep on pushing through the pain. He is my light into the darkness that tries to take over my mind. He is my will. but that is only because of his love for Christ. D has changed so much in our almost 6 years together and I am so proud of the man he has become. His relationship with God is one I cherish. He has helped me grow into a better Christian and has helped me when I've struggled to understand our cruel world.

well this work day isn't going to work itself....reality beckons....

P.S. - I don't read these before I publish them. they are my raw feelings, the things that are going through my mind and are escaping just as quickly as I can type the words together. so if things are messy or make no sense that's just a little glimpse into my mind!! ;)

                                               LOVE

who are you?

Good  Morning!!!!

It's crazy to write that and think there are actually some of you out there that will be reading this!!!

I've thought of making this blog for some time, mainly to help me and my mind but also to maybe reach someone who's heart is struggling with some of the same things mine is.

Some days this might be a few words, a picture, a quote and some days this might be a full fledged essay! I look forward to sharing things that are going through my head and hope that they affect someone some way.

sooooo lets get started:

     If I were to be asked who I was, to explain myself I'm not quite sure how I would respond. I'm many things. I'm a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a hard worker, a child of God, a youth leader, a mother to a baby who is now in heaven, a introvert at times, an extrovert at others. Who are you is such a loaded question. You aren't one person, you aren't one thing. You are a culmination of things, of people, of circumstances, of choices and of experiences.

    All of the "things", all the compartmentalized people that make me up are all important, all unique and all make me exactly who I am.
I'm right where I know God wants me........that does not however change that I might not be where I want to be.

I want to have my baby alive. I want to be a young mommy with all of my high school / college friends. I don't want to answer the dreaded how many kids do you have question or explain the miscarriage. I don't want any of that. I want to be somewhere else....but patiently I wait...I trust in God with all my heart (Proverbs 3:5) I live in the life I have now with the HOPE of what God is going to give me tomorrow.

LOVE