Hello out there.... (echo) (silence)
okay I get it I'm entitled to the silence...it's been FAR too long since I last wrote...but then again this is for my sanity and your enjoyment right?!
well kind of both. I get so caught up in every day things that I forget to write when I really know its best for me. and it's always on that never ending list that runs through my head as I try to fall asleep at night. along with all the projects going on with the house and whatnot.
ANYWHO.... May 17th will be here all to soon. that's a day I'm going to need lots of positive thoughts and prayers that day. you see that would have been OEW's birthday. (those are the baby's initials) I'll reveal the name when I can muster up the umph to write the story of everything. I've tried and I've failed several times. it's hard to talk directly about it, I start shaking physically and lose control over my tears. its not pretty and honestly I'm just not sure how open I want to be about this just yet. not with the whole wide world able to judge my hurt.
The miscarriage in and of itself has been difficult enough to handle but on top of it all that were still struggling to conceive again. the last 6/7 months have consisted of doctors appointments, getting pricked over and over and over again, answering the same questions OVER AND OVER AND OVER again. often times in the same visit. explaining to family what's going on and not having answers to their questions. feeling like I'm not as much as a woman as other women are....by the way do you know how friggin' hard it is to go see a doctor and walk in to a waiting room full of pregnant girls/women and not break out in a huge nasty cry? do you know how difficult it is to explain every detail about the past two years of your life in doctors visits, to explain the death of your child as if it were nothing and not break down??? let me tell you: IT'S THE HARDEST THING I'VE EVER HAD TO DO.
We walked into the hospital that Sunday knowing something was wrong...we walked out with our worlds shattered and nothing to show of the life we had created and that's something we have to deal with on a daily basis. I think what hurts me the most now ( I've come to terms with the loss of the baby, I've not quite come to terms with the infertility issues were facing) is that my husband hurts daily and I can't fix that.
I'm a fixer and I feel out of control when I can't fix a situation. like my world feels off kilter. things just don't seem to flow smoothly. I'm learning to deal with this and I pray for my husband daily. and I ask for your prayers for him, for us, for our future family.
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so all of that off my chest, none of it making sense I will leave you with this:
"Rejoice in hope, be patient during tribulation, be constant in prayer." Romans 12:12
"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11
both of these verses have helped me during all of this, I turn to them daily. I hope they touch at least one heart out there. I hope these are the words someone needed to hear. I hope that God lifts you up in His Spirit and draws you closer to Him during your struggles.
If you ever want to reach out to me, have questions, want resources either on miscarriage, PCOS, infertility, Christianity, my relationship with Christ (and not its not perfect) please feel free to email me.
jgray0815@gmail.com
for now -
xoxo
