3

3...

3 people this week alone have announce their pregnancies or have had their babies....this week alone.

I'm torn, I'm happy for them but I'm sad at the same time...whats different about me? Why isn't it happening for us. I'm not trying to compare myself, I'm truly not...but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't struggling trying to understand. Understand something that I'm just not meant to have answers to right now.

Yesterday was bad....that mood I woke up in that was so hard to explain, so hard to put into words other than I was just in a mood, manifested in to tears, more than tears into total meltdown. Like snotty face, body shaking, sobbing with your whole body type of meltdown. I haven't had one of those in a long time. I needed it. It felt good. It felt okay.

I'm not normally the one who hurts, well let me rephrase that...I'm not normally the one that shows they are hurt. I tuck everything down deep inside. I hid it away I never let my light flicker let alone fade....and lately that's been getting hard to do. I guess I've tucked my feelings away for so long lately that I was busting at the seams to let it out. I'm normally the one who helps people, the one who comforts people in their time of need. But I've discovered that right now I need to be comforted. and that my friends is an odd place to find yourself. 

These feelings have been here for the last 15 months, these aren't new feelings; but allowing myself to write these things down, to get them out of my head has helped. I think that might play a part into why I had a meltdown yesterday. Allowing myself to let these feelings escape my mind, where they are comfortable is scary. I don't fear being judged this is MY journey with MY grief. not yours, not any one else's but mine. I'm allowed to feel what I want to feel. That's something I've struggled with this whole time. mostly because of the things that people say to you when they aren't quite sure what to say to you. when they don't know how to help you cope. things like:

"Oh you will have a baby I just know it."
"You have to just keep trying, it will happen"
"Well have you talked to your doctor about getting that problem fixed?"
"Well this worked for my friends, son's neighbors daughter and son-in-law."
"With time you'll look back on this and not hurt."


LET ME BE CLEAR: NONE, NOT A SINGLE ONE of these things said make me feel better. I appreciate you scrambling to find words to TRY to comfort me but you're failing. What I want to hear is:

"THIS SUCKS!!"
"I HATE YOU ARE GOING THROUGH THIS"
"HOW CAN I PRAY FOR YOU?"
"YOU AREN'T ALONE IN THIS, I'M HERE IF YOU EVER NEED A SHOLDER TO CRY ON, I WONT EVEN SAY A WORD I'll JUST LET YOU CRY."

A co-worker of mine said that very top phrase to me this morning, "this sucks" it was eye opening. She too had issues with fertility, and she knows the pain of seeing someone else announce pregnancy, or to see an infant. She said it bluntly. She said it without remorse. She said it with tears in her eyes because she knows that my heart is breaking. And most importantly she knows how frustrating it is to know that for whatever reason not matter what you say to yourself, that we would never wish this pain on our worst enemy.

People have almost made me feel guilty about having these types of feelings. Made me feel like I wasn't allowed to feel this way. But I've come to realize I AM. I'm ALLOWED to hurt. and right now in this moment understanding that feels good. understanding that I'm not the only one in this situation (the loss of baby Workman and all that it affected) helps. I've thought that maybe I was the only one still reeling from the loss. that maybe everyone else had moved on. especially when the one year mark came and no one bothered to ask if I was doing okay. I thought maybe they had forgotten or stuffed it away as not important any more. but I've come to realize I was wrong.

Today is better. Today my eyes are puffy but I'm okay with that. Today my heart feels a like its a bit renewed. Today...today is better.

                                                           LOVE.

sleep deprived mood

I woke up this morning in a mood....not one that's easy to explain. but imagine getting a good nights sleep from 9ish till 12:30ish and then being up about once an hour from then on until finally at 5:45 you pull yourself out of bed....that's the kind of night I had and it put me in a mood! I want to go back to bed sooo much but knowing that this day isn't going to work itself tells me that's not an option!

I got to thinking last night, and many of you might know about the miscarriage but you might not know the whole story so I think in the next few days if I can compose myself I'll write about it. It brings me anxiety talking about it but its something I live with day in and day out and am learning new ways of being able to cope with it.

many people say time heals all wounds...I'd like to see how they would deal with  a tragic loss. time heals no wounds. time allows for healing, time allows for the pain the be buried by the fact that life goes on with or without you and you have other things that need to be done. time allows you to function like a human again after a loss but time heals nothings. time makes coping easier. you never truly heal from a tragic incident. its scientifically proven. you are altered you are never the same. you have changed and thus will never be the same that you were before.

today my life is not the same that it was before September 11th 2012 that day it changed for the better. and today my life is CERTAINLY no where near what I though it would be after October 28th 2012 that day changed my life for the worse.

one of the few good things that has come from the loss is that D and I have grown closer. He has suffered right along with me. He has been such an amazing husband that I'm not sure what I would do without him most days he's the one that encourages me to keep on pushing through the pain. He is my light into the darkness that tries to take over my mind. He is my will. but that is only because of his love for Christ. D has changed so much in our almost 6 years together and I am so proud of the man he has become. His relationship with God is one I cherish. He has helped me grow into a better Christian and has helped me when I've struggled to understand our cruel world.

well this work day isn't going to work itself....reality beckons....

P.S. - I don't read these before I publish them. they are my raw feelings, the things that are going through my mind and are escaping just as quickly as I can type the words together. so if things are messy or make no sense that's just a little glimpse into my mind!! ;)

                                               LOVE

who are you?

Good  Morning!!!!

It's crazy to write that and think there are actually some of you out there that will be reading this!!!

I've thought of making this blog for some time, mainly to help me and my mind but also to maybe reach someone who's heart is struggling with some of the same things mine is.

Some days this might be a few words, a picture, a quote and some days this might be a full fledged essay! I look forward to sharing things that are going through my head and hope that they affect someone some way.

sooooo lets get started:

     If I were to be asked who I was, to explain myself I'm not quite sure how I would respond. I'm many things. I'm a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a hard worker, a child of God, a youth leader, a mother to a baby who is now in heaven, a introvert at times, an extrovert at others. Who are you is such a loaded question. You aren't one person, you aren't one thing. You are a culmination of things, of people, of circumstances, of choices and of experiences.

    All of the "things", all the compartmentalized people that make me up are all important, all unique and all make me exactly who I am.
I'm right where I know God wants me........that does not however change that I might not be where I want to be.

I want to have my baby alive. I want to be a young mommy with all of my high school / college friends. I don't want to answer the dreaded how many kids do you have question or explain the miscarriage. I don't want any of that. I want to be somewhere else....but patiently I wait...I trust in God with all my heart (Proverbs 3:5) I live in the life I have now with the HOPE of what God is going to give me tomorrow.

LOVE