3

3...

3 people this week alone have announce their pregnancies or have had their babies....this week alone.

I'm torn, I'm happy for them but I'm sad at the same time...whats different about me? Why isn't it happening for us. I'm not trying to compare myself, I'm truly not...but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't struggling trying to understand. Understand something that I'm just not meant to have answers to right now.

Yesterday was bad....that mood I woke up in that was so hard to explain, so hard to put into words other than I was just in a mood, manifested in to tears, more than tears into total meltdown. Like snotty face, body shaking, sobbing with your whole body type of meltdown. I haven't had one of those in a long time. I needed it. It felt good. It felt okay.

I'm not normally the one who hurts, well let me rephrase that...I'm not normally the one that shows they are hurt. I tuck everything down deep inside. I hid it away I never let my light flicker let alone fade....and lately that's been getting hard to do. I guess I've tucked my feelings away for so long lately that I was busting at the seams to let it out. I'm normally the one who helps people, the one who comforts people in their time of need. But I've discovered that right now I need to be comforted. and that my friends is an odd place to find yourself. 

These feelings have been here for the last 15 months, these aren't new feelings; but allowing myself to write these things down, to get them out of my head has helped. I think that might play a part into why I had a meltdown yesterday. Allowing myself to let these feelings escape my mind, where they are comfortable is scary. I don't fear being judged this is MY journey with MY grief. not yours, not any one else's but mine. I'm allowed to feel what I want to feel. That's something I've struggled with this whole time. mostly because of the things that people say to you when they aren't quite sure what to say to you. when they don't know how to help you cope. things like:

"Oh you will have a baby I just know it."
"You have to just keep trying, it will happen"
"Well have you talked to your doctor about getting that problem fixed?"
"Well this worked for my friends, son's neighbors daughter and son-in-law."
"With time you'll look back on this and not hurt."


LET ME BE CLEAR: NONE, NOT A SINGLE ONE of these things said make me feel better. I appreciate you scrambling to find words to TRY to comfort me but you're failing. What I want to hear is:

"THIS SUCKS!!"
"I HATE YOU ARE GOING THROUGH THIS"
"HOW CAN I PRAY FOR YOU?"
"YOU AREN'T ALONE IN THIS, I'M HERE IF YOU EVER NEED A SHOLDER TO CRY ON, I WONT EVEN SAY A WORD I'll JUST LET YOU CRY."

A co-worker of mine said that very top phrase to me this morning, "this sucks" it was eye opening. She too had issues with fertility, and she knows the pain of seeing someone else announce pregnancy, or to see an infant. She said it bluntly. She said it without remorse. She said it with tears in her eyes because she knows that my heart is breaking. And most importantly she knows how frustrating it is to know that for whatever reason not matter what you say to yourself, that we would never wish this pain on our worst enemy.

People have almost made me feel guilty about having these types of feelings. Made me feel like I wasn't allowed to feel this way. But I've come to realize I AM. I'm ALLOWED to hurt. and right now in this moment understanding that feels good. understanding that I'm not the only one in this situation (the loss of baby Workman and all that it affected) helps. I've thought that maybe I was the only one still reeling from the loss. that maybe everyone else had moved on. especially when the one year mark came and no one bothered to ask if I was doing okay. I thought maybe they had forgotten or stuffed it away as not important any more. but I've come to realize I was wrong.

Today is better. Today my eyes are puffy but I'm okay with that. Today my heart feels a like its a bit renewed. Today...today is better.

                                                           LOVE.